Taryn's Story
The weight of keeping the peace rode on my shoulders since I was socialized as the oldest daughter, even with a sibling assigned male at birth born 20 months before me. I was never allowed to be myself, because I always had to be a godly representation of others, specifically to honor my parents by bringing pride to our family name as a “well-behaved” child and especially of my mom, because the bible has the example of the Proverbs 31 women (a Christian goal to be a godly wife and mother) where: “Her children arise up, and call her blessed…” Proverbs 31:28a King James Version (KJV). All of this led to me being parentified as a child, not getting the healthy socialization of using childhood to make mistakes and learn; instead my experience with punishment made me feel like I could *never* make a mistake or I would be an unredeemable sinner. (Sidenote: the 2023 4-part miniseries/documentary exposé on Amazon Prime called "Shiny Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets" talks a lot about this and goes into details on the sociological concept of performing gender ~ highly recommend watching!)
I was constantly gaslighted by my family for being “too sensitive” and “too emotional.” My dad had a recurring joke that, “Taryn is laughing now, she’ll be crying in a minute” which would literally make me immediately break down in tears and “prove” his self-fulfilling prophecy. At the age of 10, one day I hid in the closet and cried so hard that I decided I would NEVER be gullible or teased ever again and cut myself off from my emotions. After this, while in my teens, my hypervigilance out of abuse was constantly dismissed by adult youth leaders as "well-behaved," and unfortunately by my peers as "spoil sport," or "a goody two shoes."
When I was finishing up homeschooling as I turned 18, my parents consistently told me that it would be a waste of time and money for me to go to college - even though my grades/GPA/SAT score had guaranteed me a full scholarship to the public colleges in Florida - since I was predestined to be a housewife and stay-at-home mom, anyway. So, I entered the workforce, thinking I would only be working for a year or two until I met my future husband and engaged in a chaste courtship to fulfill God’s will of staying-pure until marriage.
While I did have my first romantic relationship when I was 20–21 years old. However, it was a toxic situation where he gaslit me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I was not obedient and submissive enough for his standards and he constantly berated me. When that ended, I felt like I had failed because my commitment to purity meant that I was supposed to marry the first-and-only man I dated. It felt like the end of the world, but (with hindsight) I now realize it was the beginning of me being able to take the steps to distance myself from the toxic indoctrination that was only bringing constant pain to my life.
Here is a poem I wrote October 29, 2018:
Evolution
My parents thought they were protecting me from Evolution,
When they raised me in a Religious Bubble.
But this - combined with their strict, toxic indoctrination into patriarchy -
Actually pushed me to a human's most base instincts.
I live as if in prehistoric times - always on edge, on guard.
Constantly looking and preparing for threats.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn.
Mostly Frozen, though.
Preserved in amber, observing how things change and yet remain the same.
Then comes the revolution, the desire to overthrow this oppressive social order.
I have power, I have presence, I have perseverance.
There is magic in me, waiting to be discovered.
Everyday an Evolution into my ultimate form:
A human with the desire and ability to learn and grow from inevitable mistakes and failures.
If I could learn to care for myself
In lieu of as much as I care what others think,
I'd probably be indestructible.
Overall, I often feel like I've been holding my breath and suppressing my voice for a very long time. The conditioning I was subjected to my entire formative years (I finally got out of my parent’s house at age 23 and then moved back to California when I was 25) was designed to subjugate me ~ I'm not broken: the indoctrination I experienced has done everything it could to break me. I've been resilience training my whole damn life; constant heightened knowledge and hyper-awareness is a coping mechanism of protection because of the shitshow of an upbringing I was subjected to.
I have a lot of emotional dysregulation, due to the aforementioned protective coping mechanism decision I made at age 10. I often jump to extremes when encountering things, looking for reactions - because that's all I've ever known from my parents - which has made my nervous system used to being on edge. I project proof of worth and sense of hope on others, then run with it until I can no longer clearly see the person ... Attached like a kite but obfuscated from original or true purpose. This is going back to the childhood messages of: "If I do enough,or am good enough, I'll be accepted/loved/treated the same way I treat them…" or “I only deserve punishment because I can never get anything right and all my efforts just expose my foolishness.”
Having officially been diagnosed with ADHD in December 2022, I am finally recognizing that my default mode for too long has been overstimulated. So, I’m now actively trying to address all the things I have control over removing from my life to protect my energy. It won't be without effort but it will be for me instead of in reaction to hypervigilance due to constant overstimulation and overwhelm.
Here is a poem I wrote April 21, 2023:
Proof
I've been searching for proof in all the wrong places
Inserting my own traces
that I deserve to take up spaces
When Inside-Me
Is the key
My inner, innocent child
Proof of my value
That I have meaning
My truest self
Empowered to be my own keeper
Not waiting, locked up
To be rescued by another
The treasure was buried
Inside this whole time
Internal solidarity, ready to shine
Recently, I was explaining how I was homeschooled my whole life and now, in my 30’s, I am finally empowering myself by going to college to get my degrees in sociology. I found myself describing it as: “I want to use sociology to help others so they never feel alone, like I did for so long.” While this was the first time I verbalized it that way, I think this mentality has been within me for as long as I can remember. I have always resonated with the symbology of the Phoenix, never defeated but constantly experiencing rebirth while carrying forward gained wisdom.
